Fidget spinner

Not even satirical.

Since the beginning of humanity itself, there have been toys, and the toys that explode into popularity for no logical reason. The early 19th century saw the wildly successful toy trains, the 1940s the deceptively simple Slinky. In recent history you may remember other trendy toys such as Wacky WallWalkers, charms, slap bracelets, Pogs, Beyblades, Yu-Gi-Oh! cards, Tamagotchis or Minion plushies, but none of these will ever come close to the outright bizarre viral popularity of the fidget spinner.

The fidget spinner (a throw back to the fidget cube of the year before) was originally designed as a hand held device for children with autism, ADHD, ADD or any number of other things starting with the letter A to play with in their free hand, so they could focus better in class. However, the Internet took one look at this device and decided it had a greater plan for it: Memedom. Since gaining an audience on Facebook and other social media platforms sales for the device have skyrocketed, some people owning dozens of the things. Since it is a small, handheld object that has gone viral in popularity, naturally the trend to stick them in the anus has also gone viral.

Capitalist spin[edit]

No matter how useless your job makes you feel, it could always be worse.

Like all fads there's fucktons of easy cash to be made, which has spawned thousands upon thousands of knock-offs, gimmicks, accessories and the like. From the "gotta go fast" crowd trying to find the fastest spin, to the Sparkledogs type that go for glowing, blinking, strobing, eye stabbing add-ons, to the MAKE THE LOGO BIGGER brigade trying to create the largest spinners possible, there's no shortage of opportunists trying to weasel their personal taint on into the mix to try and make more money.

YouTube is another area ripe for exploitation. Simply putting the words "fidget spinner" in the title of your video can instantly increase your viewership and ensuing ad revenue.

Bling Spinners About missing Pics

Million dollar diamond fidget spinner.

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$17,000 gold plated fidget spinner.
Let's call it the
"ass tapper."
Fuckin gook runes 'n shit!
Steampunk
Looks like it got molested by Lisa Frank.

Suicide Spinner Challenge[edit]

No fad would be complete without "full retard" style "challenges" circulating about the tubes and this one's version brings a whole new definition to the phrase, "Tha'fuck you doin, nigga?!"

Largely circulating about on YouTube, the "challenge" is to attach things onto your fidget spinner... because "reasons." And then, uh... we don't know, try not to slice your wrists open? Popularized by 13-year-old boys, grown men who compulsively say "m'lady" and Jackass wannabes the trend involves attaching anything from thumbtacks, nail, drill bits to fucking RAZOR BLADES to the fidget spinner, using pressurized air to make it reach thousands of RPM and then stop it spinning using their bare hands while wondering why they require stiches for the half an inch deep gash in their hand.

About missing Pics

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Imagine explaining this to ER staff.
Even fidget spinners beat women
Woah there Scarface.
Somebody won't be beating off for a while...

YOU SOUND SURPRISED

But why...?

AIM FOR THE CAROTIDS YOU PUSSY

"Don't cut yourself on all that edge"

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MEIN FIDGET![edit]

Never forget the Spinocaust.

The Germans recently decided to cleanse their culture of the social impurity that is fidget spinners. Millions have been rounded up and will be sent off to be righteously incinerated like the Godless heathen vermin that they are. That and, "they come from China"... which, I guess is supposed to imply something, we're not quite sure. Apparently Germans hate the Chinese as much as they do Jews and fun children's toys, but we guess that kind of goes without saying. Meanwhile of course Kinder Surprise Eggs, a notorious choking hazard, are still perfectly acceptable to have in Germany! Hypocrisy... not just a fun word to say slowly and feel your lips jiggle about.