Rick Santorum
Santorum can refer to:
- The frothy mix of ejaculate and fecal matter that is sometimes the byproduct of anal sex. It may also include lube. But who uses lube?
- Any other composite miasma of unpleasantness metaphorically similar to said frothy mix.
- An ultra-conservative Senator who has since been thrown out of the United States Congress for being a fag.
- An Italian word meaning "Man who plays a Saint." Merely knowing this fact makes you more awesome. Not knowing it proves you are a fucktard with no cultural sensitivity.
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Santorum The Lame Duck Senator[edit]
Rick Santorum was thrown out of congress in November of 2006, after allegedly fagging it up with Dick Cheney. He was an ultra-ghey Senator in the United States Congress. A Republican who gained notoriety for being like most other Americans - afraid of homosexuals, pedophiles, and furries. His commentary after a Supreme Court ruling on buttsex laws was the source of many lulz for liberals and made Dan Savage mad enough to equate his name to the end result of gay sex.
Rick also made the news of the weird by bringing his wife's miscarried fetus home from the hospital so his (living but presumably traumatized) 12 other children could hug it and kiss it and say goodbye. This is perhaps the most "how to make a serial killer" formula example of aberrantly fucked-up parenting since Joan adopted Christina.
When not being completely offensive Rick is just plain insane. A huge fanboy of Lord of the Rings, the Senator recently compared the war in Iraq to the battle for Middle Earth. [1]
Recently Santorum complained about google's search results, when he is the subject of query. His latest effort has been to beg google admins to censor out the gay sex related listings when typing his name into google search. In his words:“To have a business allow that type of filth to be purveyed through their Web site or through their system is something that they say they can’t handle, but I suspect that’s not true.” to which google responded by telling him “Users who want content removed from the Internet should contact the webmaster of the page directly”. Most expect this will be the end of it.[2]
Candidate Frothy[edit]
| —When Chuck Norris doesn't support you, you're pretty much screwed in conservative circles. | ||
As if the GOP nominee lineup for the 2012 election season wasn't gay enough already, Rick Santorum decided he needed to do the lawd's work and run for president and throw his frothy wisdom into the mix. While liberal hipster fucktards living a fantasy world didn't expect an upstanding, churchgoing, polite, fatherly man with an underdog reputation to do very well among a predominantly Christian population with epic Catholic immigration from Mexico, Santorum surprised nobody born without Zikavirus by winning 11 states. This attracted the ire of butthurt Paultards, however, this wasn't enough to win against Romney the Wonder Mormon. Faced with a high probability of defeat at the hands of Romney, Santorum threw in the towel.
Mitt Romney struggled to win the votes of real Christians. How could he compete with a man whose very name means Saint? A man endorsed by THE DUDE WHO PLAYED JESUS, aka that Dude from Frequency, aka that Dude from the shitty remake of the Prisoner, aka that sexy beast from Person of Interest, aka Jim Caviezel?
Analysis of the situation by an unbiased panel of experts has revealed that Santorum only lost because he was a caring father who quit because he didn't want to abandon his sick daughter. Disney is currently planning a film based upon his heartwarming tale, with the Santorum role to be played by Jackie Chan or Will Smith.
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Santorum The Elite Gamer[edit]
In 2012, it was revealed that Rick Santorum is a massive fan of Temple Run, an iPhone game where you defile a temple and run away from screaming monkeys. Some saw this as a metaphor for all the screaming fucktard liberals who thought Rick Santorum was trying to defile the White House.
Rick Santorum's daughter reported that her sugardaddy had scored over ONE MILLION points in the game. Which is probably a big deal.
If Rick Santorum had been voted President, the Xbox Next would have contained chocolate, and shot rainbows from the ventilation slots on bootup. Nice going, chumps.
Santorum on The Issues[edit]
- Gay Rights: Fervently opposes all things gay, despite being an obvious closet case himself. Srsly, ED fully admits that this guy talks about gay sex even more than we do, and that's saying something.
- Abortion: Loves dead babies so much that he aborted his own son and brought it home for his children to play with.
| —Fucktard who hasn't paid attention to anything Santorum said on the topic. | ||
The heavy metal hoax[edit]
In Feb, 2012 a lulzer named Keith Spillett wrote an article claiming Rick Santorum was going to round up all heavy metal fans and rehabilitate them with Celine Dion sing-alongs. The article was self-evident satire. Unfortunately, most of the readers had no idea what 'satire' meant, and started spreading the news that Santorum was a metal-hating arsehat.
But a brave group of warriors lept to the rescue, posting tweets and forum posts, setting the record straight. People stupid enough to believe Heavy Metal addiction could be cured by Celine Dion slunk away to their holes, and tried to erase all records of their overwhelming stupidity. To this date most involved refuse to talk about what happened, or the origin of the mysterious stains and rashes sustained for the salvation of humanity.
Santorum The Substance[edit]
Santorum is defined as: The frothy mixture of lube and fecal matter that is sometimes the byproduct of anal sex. This definition was popularized by butthurt American columnist Dan Savage, in 2003, enraged that no matter what Rick Santorum did or said, millions of Americans thought he was basically a nice guy, even if he was a bit kooky, while every time Dan the Man called Christians names, the American public got upset with him for some reason.
What Does Santorum Taste Like?[edit]
People claimed santorum tastes like one or more of the following:
Gallery of Repressed Homosexuality[edit]
Rick Santorum in his teenage years (right), with his closest friend
They Told Me I Could Be Anything I Wanted, So I Became My Daughter
See also[edit]
- 2016 presidential election
- Babypaste
- Carly Fiorina
- Donald Trump
- Jeb Bush
- John Kasich
- Marco Rubio
- Mike Huckabee
- Paul Ryan
- Pennsylvania
- Rand Paul
- Rick Perry
- Ted Cruz
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Rick Santorum is part of a series on Fox News [Over To You] |
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Rick Santorum is part of a series on Visit the Faggotry Portal for complete coverage. |
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Rick Santorum is part of a series on Visit the Sex Portal for complete coverage. |
| Rick Santorum is part of a series on Gay Republicans [OPEN THE CLOSET!]
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Rick Santorum is part of a series on Donald Trump. God Bless Savior Donald You're gonna love this article, believe me. |
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