Malcolm in the Middle S2E2 Script

Halloween Approximately (2000)

Nine days past expiration.

Ugh!

Here.

Ugh! Turned carbonated.

Expired two months ago.

You don't have the guts.

When was the last Christmas we had eggnog?

I think before Dewey.

It's all you, man.

This is a game that has no winners.

♪ Yes, no, maybe ♪

♪ I don't know ♪

♪ Can you repeat the question? ♪

♪ You're not the boss of me now ♪

♪ And you're not so big ♪

♪ You're not the boss of me now ♪

♪ And you're not so big ♪

♪ Life is unfair. ♪

Well, that's the last of my Halloween candy.

All that sugar, all those cavities.

We're the real winners, guys.

Are you coming over Saturday?

For what?

For what?!

The Leonid meteor shower!

Only once in a lifetime do the mighty Leonids reveal their full beauty before bedtime.

I wish I could, guys, but Francis is coming home this weekend.

And since he missed Halloween last week, we're going to hang out together.

Are you sure?

Stevie has a new telescope, and I was thinking that after the meteor shower we could watch Mrs. Feldman shower.

And you call yourself a scientist.

It's been a week, sweetie.

Take off the costume.

But I like it.

It's filthy. Come here.

Go put some clothes on, sweetie.

What you doing? I don't know.

There's something about the way you swish that brush around that just drives me...

Damn! That blue car!

That's three times this week.

That joyriding son of a...

Hal, just call the police.

I have.

They won't do anything.

Lois, I swear, one of these days, I'm going to catch up to that punk, I'm going to drag him out of his car, and I'm going to beat him senseless until he understands that there's a certain thing called the law.

Don't let him get to you. Come on.

Well, when's it going to stop?

When Dewey here is smashed into a lifeless pulp?

Put some clothes on, son.

Halloween sucked this year without Francis.

The eggs and shaving cream I can keep.

But what am I ever going to do with this stuff?

It was supposed to be our first Halloween as mindless vandals.

But Francis got in trouble at school, so we had to go trick-or-treating like a bunch of little kids.

Oh, look at you three.

What are you?

A beat-up hillbilly.

And you? Just give us the candy.

Oh, I bet you're a ghost.

I'm a marshmallow.

Oh, and a cute one at that.

I just want to stick a fork in your belly and roast you over an open flame till you're nice and crispy.

It's embarrassing at our age-- coming home with candy.

Give me that.

Hey!

Hey! Hey!

Pull over, you gutless...

I got kids!

You lousy...

...son of a...

This guy is a menace.

Now, I've tried to get him on my own, but the truth is, it's not a job for one man.

It is a community problem, and all we have to do is work together.

If we all keep an eye out for this guy, I think we should be able to catch him pretty quickly.

Why don't you clean up your yard?

What?

Why don't you just move?

Look, this isn't about me.

These meetings are always about you.

You're the sole reason we meet.

Those kids of yours should be in jail.

How would you like it if you scrimped and saved all your life to live in a nice neighborhood, and then a bunch of godless monsters moved in and destroyed all your dreams?

Okay, back to the subject. I'd like to pass around a sign-up sheet for a stakeout.

Well... thanks for your time.

You're welcome.

Hello?

Hi, Francis.

Welcome home.

Too old to hug your mom?

Mom, I've been waiting at the bus station for three hours.

Why didn't anybody come to pick me up?

What?

I sent your father.

Oh, Francis, I'm sorry.

He's battling his archenemy.

What, the squirrel's back?

No, it's a human this time.

Francis!

Hey!

Did you guys tear it up on Halloween?

Oh, yeah. We were out of control.

Kids were running; people were screaming; babies were crying.

We went trick-or-treating.

It just didn't feel right without you.

I had fun. Shut up, Dewey.

Couldn't you have gotten in trouble after Halloween?

Guys, I'm sorry.

I know I let you down, but I really didn't have a choice.

The commandant's fake leg was just lying there in the closet begging for a novelty bumper sticker.

It was a snap decision, but I really think I did the right thing.

That's all right. There's always next year.

Well, why do we have to wait a year?

Guys, Halloween isn't a date on the calendar.

Yeah, it is.

It's the 31st.

No, Halloween is in your hearts.

Every time a little kid cries in fear, that's Halloween.

Every time something repulsive ends up in a mailbox, that is Halloween.

As long as you carry the spirit of destruction and vandalism in your hearts, every day is Halloween.

No, look, it is the 31st.

Men, we are going to have Halloween this weekend.

Hal, you have been out here for seven hours.

Come to bed.

Look, Lois, I am doing this for the boys.

We can't just let our street become a speedway.

Got to protect my family, even if it means sitting in this van every night for a month.

It's a matter of principle.

Mmm. Before you go to sleep, I'd like you to replace my pee jar.

No!

Son of a...

Boys, the time has come.

You're about to see the device that will change the face of Halloween forever.

Behold.

That's not a flying chocolate maker.

This is just a bunch of tubes.

Trust me.

I do trust you, but I expected something a little more...

Oh, my God. Will this work?

Absolutely.

What? What is it?

It looks like an incredibly powerful slingshot.

A slingshot capable of hurling objects over a distance of two city blocks.

Picture yourself-- you're walking down the street, you're minding your own business, when all of a sudden... bam!

You're hit by a ten-pound balloon filled with shaving cream, paint or any number of foul-smelling liquids.

And you never, ever know who did it.

It's the perfect weapon.

Reese, are you crying?

No.

What are you doing?

I've had it, Lois.

I'm building a speed bump.

Hal, would you look at yourself?

It's 4:00 in the morning.

You're out here in your pajamas mixing cement in a wheelbarrow.

It's going to rip the suspension right out from under him.

There'll be some chassis damage.

Oh, boy, I'd hate to be the one who has to realign his connecting rods.

That guy's not going to know what hit him.

Yee-ha!

Okay, we got eggs, shaving cream, water balloons.

I don't know, I'm just not feeling it.

These eggs are pretty rotten.

Yeah, I know, but it's all just so... standard.

I mean, we have a whole new breed of weapon here.

We need to live up to that.

We need to start thinking outside the box.

So if you'll just spend a couple of hours waiting for him here, I know the guy will come racing by, and then you can arrest him and this whole thing will be over once and for all.

I want some help protecting my family.

So you weren't held up at gunpoint?

Okay, that was a lie.

But I've been calling you people for weeks and not getting any help.

No one is listening to me.

Is this your speed bump?

It was a good bump, Hal.

You want a sandwich?

Easy.

Good.

Just let me talk to him.

I'll get this whole thing straightened out in two minutes.

Get the car.

Let's go through this one more time.

Malcolm, what's your job?

Aimer.

Reese? Loader.

Dewey, what do you do if you see Mom and Dad coming?

Excellent.

Where'd they go, anyway?

Okay, look-- we've got his license plate.

We've got his address.

That's more than enough to get...

Hal!

What are you doing?

Shh. Get down.

I'm letting the air out of his tires.

No, Hal.

Okay, but then we go home.

Hello.

I have an idea.

You can't steal his car.

I'm not stealing his car.

I'm just taking it elsewhere for a while.

It'll teach the kid a lesson.

No, Hal.

I'm putting the key in the lock. No, Hal.

I'm opening the door.

No, Hal.

I'm getting in the car. No.

I am turning on the engine.

Oh, ow. Just...

This is crazy.

You can't just take a person's car.

There are laws...!

Oh. Oh... serious engine.

He must have bored out the cylinders in this puppy.

Pull over.

Remember that Maverick I used to have?

I don't want to talk about your old muscle car.

Scared?

Of course I'm scared.

You've turned into a crazy person.

Do it again.

Oh! Oh!

All right, let's try a test shot.

Reese, just get me a small water balloon.

Malcolm, you got me a target?

We've got a target.

Listen, you idiot, the optics on the Newtonian reflector don't even approach a Schmidt-Cassegrain.

It's a nice century-- why don't you join it?

Shrine burn center; admitting Kyle.

Ladies!

The stars.

He's right.

Why squabble when we have the Leonids?

You hear something?

Oh, my telescope!

It's broken!

Why my telescope?!

Yes!

Yeah! Yeah!

Go! Go!

Yeah.

♪ ♪

♪ Well, there's a new weapon in the quest for knowledge ♪

♪ You don't need school and you don't need college ♪

♪ Forget the conventional 'cause there's a new way ♪

♪ You'll learn it all and it won't take a single day ♪

♪ Go from the nursery straight to university ♪

♪ Stand proud in the face of adversity ♪

♪ I've seen the future just in case you didn't know ♪

♪ This is the future through your rear window ♪

♪ I needed them all ♪

♪ Like I needed a headache ♪

♪ I dropped out of school ♪

♪ And it wasn't a mistake ♪

♪ Stop worrying about all the things you don't know ♪

♪ Tune in and go through the rear window ♪

♪ Don't worry if your life... ♪ Yeah!

Diaper!

Diaper! Diaper! Diaper!

Yeah!

Diaper!

Diaper! Diaper! Diaper!

Diaper! Oh...

All right.

No more of those.

♪ ♪

Yes!

I love you so much.

I can't believe the power of this thing.

If it was to fall in the wrong hands...

I see an old lady.

Reload! Reload! Reload! Reload!

I'm serious, Hal.

What are we going to do?

The time to drop off the car and go home was, like, 20 miles ago.

What if we just kept going?

What are you talking about?

I'm talking about you and me running away and spending the rest of our lives on some... I don't know, some hidden beach in Mexico with no jobs and no kids.

Oh, it's not that simple, Hal.

Why not?

I mean, we would have to change our names, but...

I'd be Raul.

You'd be Consuela.

Consuela?

Sí.

You think they'd send the federales after us?

Huh! Of course.

But they'd never find us.

We'd be outlaws.

Oh, we'd be legends.

We'd be living every parent's dream.

We'd be folk heroes.

Like Bonnie and Clyde.

Raul and Consuela.

Spearing fish.

Climbing for coconuts.

Living naked as monkeys.

Oh... Raul.

Yeah!

I think I speak for all of us when I say that tonight ruled!

Totally.

We own you all.

No one is safe.

We are the kings of this block.

Did you hear me, world?

Violence just got a little more random!

Reload! Reload!

This is incredible.

Their accuracy is amazing.

Make it stop!

Who are these guys?

It's tofu.

Angle: 47.9 degrees.

Check.

Brakes locked.

This is for all the times I've been called "butt-tweefer."

Fire!

What do you mean, Krelboynes?

I guess they've built their own catapult.

That's impossible.

How could they do that?

Where would they get the materials?

It's a funnel and surgical tubing.

Stevie's garage is filled with that stuff.

What are we going to do?

We're going to fight.

They're Krelboynes.

They're nothing.

We can fight. We can fight.

We can fight.

We can fight. We can fight.

We have to surrender.

Francis is right.

We have to give up, Reese.

Come on, you wussies.

Just shoot me over there.

I'll kick their asses myself.

Get it off!

Oh, my God!

Get it off!

They're surrendering.

And I suppose I've never been offered the chance to surrender.

Keep firing!

Well, they won't even let us surrender honorably.

Boys, it's time to run away like cowards.

Well, there is some comfort in knowing what the next two hours of my life are going to be like.

Oh. Look.

A shooting star.

Well, I'm thinking much more clearly now.

Yeah, I think we both are, Hal.

I guess Mexico's not really an option.

No, I don't think so.

No. No.

It would have been fun, though.

Oh, yeah.

So, what do we do now?

Well, I assume the car has been reported stolen already, and we've probably left our share of DNA evidence in here.

It's only a 30-mile walk.

We'll be home for breakfast.

You know, I'm glad we didn't run away.

Yeah, me, too.

What was my name again?

Raul, baby. Oh, yeah.