Gay but not LGBT??

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Sara_by_Sara · 2023-09-23T01:18:00+00:00

Hearing that with no other context makes me immediately assume it’s someone who votes Republican and doesn’t think they’ll put him up against the wall if they get a chance because he’s “one of the good ones”.

GNU_PTerry · 2023-09-23T01:36:55+00:00

Generally means that there's some aspect (imaginary or real) about the community that he doesn't want to be associated with. Just because he's attracted to men doesn't mean he's inherently progressive.

VegetablesAndHope · 2023-09-23T01:27:44+00:00

Sounds like he might be willing to throw the rest of us under the bus rather than stand up for our rights (his included).

olivia687 · 2023-09-23T06:03:13+00:00

The one person I met who said that said it because she did not support non-binary people and gender neutral bathrooms. A lot of the time it’s because of issues like that.

It’s a lot to do with the public perception of the LGBTQ+ community as well. We’re seen as SJWs and activists, and some people just don’t like the drama associated with the label.

If you want to understand more why they’ve said that, your best option is to ask your friend more about it.

hyper-casual · 2023-09-23T09:00:07+00:00

Most people here are saying it's for negative reasons. It could be a bit of a defense mechanism?

I'm bisexual, I'm out and open about it but I struggle to feel like I am a part of the LGBT community, probably because my life from the outside looks hetro-normative and I've been told I look and act very straight.

It's not that I don't want to be part of the community, I've just felt like I wouldn't be accepted if I was trying to be more involved.

zawmbeee · 2023-09-23T03:01:24+00:00

Internalized homophobia. Dude thinks that distancing himself from the community will save him from homophobia by saying “I’m not like these gay people I’m different!!”.

ConfusedAsHecc · 2023-09-23T03:27:59+00:00

sounds like "pick me" behavior

HoneyCombee · 2023-09-23T04:12:57+00:00

I'm bi/pan and nonbinary, and I've experienced more discrimination and shame from the LGBTQIA+ community than the cis & straight community around me. So while I technically fit into the community on paper, I rarely have felt accepted or welcome within the LGBTQIA+ community, and am not really active within it, nor do I typically associate myself with it. I still vote for and support our rights, make efforts to show that I'm a safe person, talk openly about it to reduce stigma, etc. I just don't feel comfortable attending events where I'm going to get judged for not being "queer enough," and have lost the desire to be part of the community.

I'm not sure why your friend doesn't want to be associated with the community, but there are valid reasons to avoid it, and it doesn't make him any less gay or proud of being gay. Just as some people prefer to practice religion privately and not attend church or other social gatherings within the religious community, doesn't mean they're less devoted just because they don't want to hang out with their neighbours.

heyoh79 · 2023-09-23T05:14:32+00:00

What did he say his reasoning is or has he explained what his thoughts are about it?

GOT_Wyvern · 2023-09-23T03:28:09+00:00

Some people associate "LGBT" with "LGBT culture" specifically, and don't feel that strong of a connection to it. I personally do not either, and mainly only care about the LGBT community due to the rampant transphobia I see that I feel a duty to better understand.

But beyond myself, LGBT culture simply isn't for everyone. In the past it was one of the only ways that LGB people could be fully open about themselves, but nowadays many places (atleast from experience in the UK) completely allow this in normal life, meaning there isn't as much of a basic necessity to seek help from others of the same sexuality (which is, ofcourse, a good thing). I unfortunately have to exclude trans from this for the before mentioned.

The most well faithed interpretation is simply that they view "LGBT" not as an objective label, but as a culture that they are not a part of, so do not feel the need or want to be associated with it.

Danibelle903 · 2023-09-23T11:36:55+00:00

I’m a gay woman not a gay man, but my best friend is a gay man and is very involved in a lot of local social activities. Activities specifically for gay men have the potential to be very sexual in nature and he might not be comfortable with it. They’re off glamping this weekend at a resort that caters to gay men and it’s very sex positive. This is not me being prejudiced, it’s simply the truth. There are a lot of events that are specifically for gay men that have sexual aspects, especially when compared to events specifically for gay women.

My fiancée and I don’t really go to LGBT+ events because we find they’re mostly geared toward young people. We participate in a local lesbian fantasy football league that has some meet ups, but it’s more 30-40-something lesbian couples and it’s pretty low key. We look for local LGBT+ owned businesses to support when possible (like right now as we look for a wedding venue), but I wouldn’t say we “identify” with the community.

Maybe your friend isn’t comfortable with how some of the LGBT+ events by you have been and he’d rather not be involved in said events.

WinterEcho40k · 2023-09-23T04:18:20+00:00

A lot of people saying internalized homophobia, and 100% could be that.

It may be something else though, there are a lot of people who don't identify as being part of the LGBT community, but identify as queer. Generally it's due to there being a lot of transphobia, biphobia, aphobia, etc and exclusion from some LGBT people, which leads some to distance themselves from identifying as LGBT.

Not sure how likely it is, but it is another reason as to why someone doesn't use LGBT for themselves.

immortalbydesiign · 2023-09-23T07:24:12+00:00

i believe it may be the LGBTQ culture. like maybe going to pride parades, and pride only clubs or meetings and stuff and hanging up LGBTQ flags everywhere in my room. i’m not like that either. but if he means like the actual like LGBTQ group, he’s sorta in it anyway logically.

but at the same time maybe he’s had bad experiences from our group. like being a bisexual woman, i’ve experienced A LOT of biphobia from lesbians (not gay men for some reason) and it makes me feel unwanted and uncomfortable.

DeathWielder1 · 2023-09-23T13:51:10+00:00

A lot of people at my uni whom were LGBTQ+ did Not join or participate in the LGBT Society in the university Union. There are a number of reasons why but it distilled down to the society being actually pretty toxic and from that toxicity no one wanted to join or continue, so the society eventually dissolved.

LGBTQ+ is a community as well, nonparticipation in that community is valid as far as I see it.

glitterymessy · 2023-09-23T04:02:09+00:00

I honestly feel like this is not fair. If it wasn't for LGBT+ people fighting for our rights over the decades, we won't have the visibility we have right now. And even now we still have a lot of lgbtphobia to fight against. It just strikes me as very egoistic to say "I'm gay, but I won't fight for my fellow LGBT+ people" because you're simply turning your back to people who need your help, who need your support. People who are queer like you.

It doesn't make any sense to me.

bizzarebeans · 2023-09-23T02:52:51+00:00

bit sus is what I think of that kinda behaviour

disruptedgod · 2023-09-23T13:51:14+00:00

I know a lot of other queer people who don't "want" to be part of the LGBTQ+ because they have no felt welcome in the community. Personally speaking, no, I am not a right winger but I also don't feel very welcome in it because of some of my views on life, society and even lgbtq+ issues as a whole so...

EpiphanieDeStephanie · 2023-09-23T11:11:01+00:00

I can relate. I’m trans, but I feel out of place at queer gatherings.

I just feel like I don’t fit in with the local queers, culturally. Maybe it’s because I’ve lived such a sheltered life. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Madelxxx · 2023-09-23T07:32:47+00:00

My cousin and his boyfriend also believe they are'nt part of the LGBTQIA+ community. They don't know any other queer people, they've never been to pride and they are the most unpolitical people I've ever met. They never really experienced any form of homophobia, still live in the very small town they grew up in and everyone is accepting them. They are so detached from any of the struggles queer people face and they simply don't care what is happening with the rest of us. They want a quite life and that's it. To them being part of the community is a political decision. As a queer person myself, I can't relate at all and find it rather strange but I think they have every right to feel this way. We often joke they are the straightest gay couple ever. 😂 But with the right wing party getting more and more popularity in germany, I think they are going to face reality someday in the future..

shepard0445 · 2023-09-23T10:18:41+00:00

Too many privileged people in the comments. The community is hardly the arbiter of acceptance and security many people want to believe it is.

The community is ridden with phobic behavior, purity culture and throwing people under the bus for not being great enough.

The LGBTQ community is a collection of humans and therefore it has the typical problems like any group of humans have. And not everybody is comfortable supporting that or involving themselves in it.

And to call that pick me behavior, or right wing behavior, etc just proves that point correct.

de_lemmun-lord · 2023-09-23T04:01:03+00:00

i mean that's fine, just hope he understands that by saying that, he's on his own. we have this community to help each other because very few outside it will. we understand and relate and support each other. if he doesn't want to be a part of that, that's his decision. its not a great decision, but its his expression of free will that he's entitled to, but he will suffer the side effects of such a decision

Expensive_Ad_3249 · 2023-09-23T11:44:12+00:00

This comment section is a cesspool. Upon hearing someone isn't part of a community everyone is keen to other them and exclude them this very behavior is why so many don't associate with "the community."

Potentially OP friend is a POC or Asian, people who until very recently were ostracized by the mainstream community. "No blacks no Asians" was on many Grindr profiles until a few short years ago, "no fat""masc only" "no fem" are all incredibly common today. Maybe they're just not part of the community. Maybe the scene is small in their area. God knows the scene and "community" can be incredibly toxic in smaller towns around the world.maybe they're ostracized or discriminated against.

I say this as a member of the community, open and forthright with my allyship of the LBTQIA+ as a cis gay man, and well aware of my privilege being so. Also very well aware that it is a right wing dog whistle for many, but let's not assume the worst and demonstrate hate and fragmentation at the mere suggestion someone doesn't like every element of the community

furedditdogs · 2023-09-23T12:49:48+00:00

Eh some people just don't like to be part of a group or have labels put on them. I don't need to put myself in a box.

PartyPoison98 · 2023-09-23T14:15:02+00:00

I think I understand what he's getting at, and I don't think it's as shitty as a lot of people are making out. One can be LGBTQ without identifying with the perceived "culture". I'm the same in that, while it's my sexual identity, I've never related with the queer culture I see, I don't really care about stuff like drag one way or the other, and I've never really been interested in going to Pride more than I would be interested in going to any other street party. It's only a shitty thing if you shit on people who do enjoy that stuff and believe you're better (like a lot of "masc" or "straight acting" gay/bi guys do).

alex141001 · 2023-09-23T08:35:10+00:00

Reading some of the comments here, I honestly can't blame him. A lot of "If you're not with us, then you're our enemy" mentality. You're all probably confirming his opinions. Without knowing his reasoning, I can't judge him. There are good reasons why someone wouldn't want to be associated with some aspects of the community. Given the rise of anti-LGBTQ views lately, I don't think distancing is a good idea, but that's just me, not him

DawnOfTheTrans · 2023-09-23T19:38:52+00:00

i have a friend like that, says they’re a demi-girl but hates the community and once called them “baby eaters,” she’s friends with a lot of queer people including me, but thinks that the community is a bunch of terrorists, the cognitive dissonance is astounding

Royallypissedoff · 2023-09-23T03:27:07+00:00

I think that the society invented an LGBTQ+ almost dump term to represent literally every single person that is not cis-gendered, heterosexual and monogamous. It can become a little bit of a form of otherism when you sit down and think about it.

We can appreciate how insane it is to expect all these people with very different history (for example gay men and HIV pandemic where lesbians did not experience this tragedy in the same way. On the other hand gay men never experienced being overtly sexualised by heterosexual men in a patriarchal society like lesbians often do etc) and social treatment to create a homogenous, united team that will agree on every aspect of their group life.

Very often the only thing in common is being treated (on different scale level) as a social recluse. Which should be somewhat uniting in the regard of pushing for social progression and personal freedoms but when you get to nitty gritty many of the individual letters of this ever expanding umbrella term do not share much in common.

I am not saying your friend is right or wrong, I just wanted to point out how diverse that group really is and how different takes on matters people might have on individual level.

AustereK · 2023-09-23T06:30:18+00:00

Whoa there’s a crazy amount of presumptuous comments in here. Kind of ironic.

Scary_Towel268 · 2023-09-23T08:22:15+00:00

Ask what he thinks about trans people. I suspect he's one of those "drop the T" people.

Custard_Tart_Addict · 2023-09-23T04:02:54+00:00

you can't force a dude to a party. he wants to be a hermit, that's okay for him. I'd just say "okay guy"

ToccataRocco · 2023-09-23T08:30:09+00:00

I view the LGBT as a term as the political alliance between Queer identities while a term such as Queer refers to the non-political aspect of one's sexual orientation or gender identity.

While I could understand one's rationality about saying that they aren't LGBT due to them not wanting to be political (apolitical/politics anxiety), at the same time not only does it feel like a privileged stance to be Gay but not see themself as part of the political alliance of the LGBT or their need to stand up with us but also someone who has and is reaping the rewards of efforts from past LGBT rights fighters/groups that are still fighting such as the Trans community or Queer POC communities.

So in short, as I've met a few like this I understand their logic as to why they say that they aren't LGBT, but I think it's a poor logic because we still have a long ways to go, and when these types do not continue to fight not only are they letting us and others down but they are unwittingly making it easier for anti-Gay groups to eventually come for them after being done with us. We need to stand united or we'll all fall eventually.

StarSwarm345 · 2023-09-23T12:15:48+00:00

I used to do the same when I was like 14. At the time I thought that most queer people my age were rlly cringey and dogmatically left wing, but I realised that was mostly queerphobic propaganda. Hopefully this person will become less hostile towards our community the more they engage with it

Just_a_lonely_flower · 2023-09-23T12:21:29+00:00

I may see something here, for my part, i realised I was trans years ago, but I tried to hide it from myself and finally accepted it years later, after that, I wasn’t concidering myself part of the community, mostly because I’ve allways been « alone », I’m not very social, not at all really, being part of a community scared me and with that, I myself wasn’t feeling legitimate to be part of it. I got this debate with my best friend a year ago, I wasn’t out to her yet at the time, and she was against my position. But with reflection and acceptance of myself, I changed my mind and I am proud to be part of it. Maybe it is the same Kind of situation for your friend.

dennislubberscom · 2023-09-23T13:52:44+00:00

I hope he does what feel right for him. And that he doesn’t do it out of fear or something.

You don’t have to be part of anything if you dont want to.

Such a shame because a nice and loving community can give you a beautiful life.

terrycotta · 2023-09-23T14:02:56+00:00

Folks are delusional. You can "identify" as what you like but LG(ay)BTQIA puts you in the community whether you like it or not. Why people have to be so contrary?

idkanyusername539 · 2023-09-23T15:39:44+00:00

Can’t wait to be cooked alive and cancelled, maybe it’s simply just him focusing on his sexuality and maybe it could also be a lack of personal pride, I’m sure it’s nothing malicious or bigoted like everyone else in the comments are saying.

No_Accountant_3947 · 2023-09-23T15:54:35+00:00

I'm getting

"I'm not like other gays" vibes

lastavailableuserr · 2023-09-23T21:00:54+00:00

Guess it depends on the community, but where Im from 99% of the time it means "I wont be associated with the trans people" 🤷‍♀️ The rest of us queers have been sticking together real well tbh.

Randy-Meeks · 2023-09-23T02:57:51+00:00

I believe that's what we call a "pick me" person

Buttermilk-Waffles · 2023-09-23T05:00:10+00:00

That's fine as long as he's not one of those LGB alliance assholes.

Haisabi · 2023-09-23T07:56:31+00:00

Right, a lot of people here are judging this guy, "pick me", "republican" that, it's rude as hell.

I'm Bisexual, and don't identify as LGBT. I'm politically left leaning so that has nothing to do with it, I just feel no connection to other non-straights for simply being non-straight.

People call this a "community" but I don't feel like this is a tight-knit group. Being bisexual isn't a part of my identity, and I don't want people to treat me differently because of it. That includes from other non-straight people.

Being bisexual doesn't dictate how I live my life, and I don't want to be seen as part of a group that is only about this small small part of my life.

WhiteDevil-Klab · 2023-09-23T10:24:18+00:00

God Damm this comment section y'all are assuming so much stuff about someone you don't know ☠️

yokyopeli09 · 2023-09-23T04:08:27+00:00

He may not see himself that way but like it or not homophobes do. He can find safety in numbers or he can try to act like he's one of the good ones, which only works for so long and comes at a price. His choice.

littlestray · 2023-09-23T05:00:54+00:00

The G in LGBT stands for Gay. He is LGBT. He doesn’t get a “anyone can identify however they want” pass here because he self-identifies as gay which means he’s LGBT by definition.

It sounds like he’s just your average Leopards Eating People's Faces Party voter.

Hiddenhayd · 2023-09-23T04:42:56+00:00

Maybe he hasn't come out and is really discrete. and doesn't want to be seen in public at Rainbow events etc.

Educational_Bus8550 · 2023-09-23T12:31:01+00:00

Im a trans man. 3 years on T. Imma keep it simple. The lgbt community has treated me like shit in real life and online. I won’t go against them when it comes to legal matters but I’ve been pushed to the side line way too much from the community so I say I’m not a part of it 🤷🏻‍♂️

WishingAnaStar · 2023-09-23T16:34:08+00:00

Just something edgy conservative gays say because they feel like no one accepts them. Obviously the rest of the LGBT community does accept them, we just tell them to cut it out when they go off on rants about gold star-ism, or transphobia, or biphobia, or whatever and then they're all like "there's no such thing as community anymore 😡." You see it literally all the time.

Horrible_Jester · 2023-09-23T08:05:55+00:00

Same bere. I'm gay but i dont consider myself part of the comunity. I lurk around to know of events that might afect me and to learn more about people. But I still dont consider myself part of it

EmilyFara · 2023-09-23T07:37:16+00:00

A former colleague of mine said the same thing. He's gay, has a boyfriend and is very open about it. He doesn't like LGBTQ. He thinks it's harming the very people it's trying to represent. He also dislikes 'flaming gays' (his words, not mine) because "great, you're gay, congratulations, so am I, now read the room and tone it down".

I'm trans and we had a great working relationship that extended outside of work. So it's not like he's anything phobic. Just does not like LGBTQ

ihatebananae · 2023-09-23T08:48:36+00:00

in parts of the world where gays don‘t have to fight for their rights anymore, some will act like this. it‘s not always malicious, sometimes it‘s just naive. they forget that rights can be taken away and that we only get strength from being a community. anyone who licks conservatives boots and thinks that they are „one of the good ones“, because they shit on the community, forgets that to the conservatives and right wing politicians, the only good lgbt person is a dead lgbt person. now, i‘m not saying your acquaintance is one of them. but it is a dangerous game to distance yourself from the community.

reesescupsarelife · 2023-09-23T09:28:01+00:00

I unfortunately know a lot of people that agree with this and it always feels wrong. They have a very conservative outlook on the community and consider it seperate from their identity. For me, if someone is queer, they are automatically part of the community. For them, they differentiate between people who parttake in pride events and openly live their identity vs. those who are pretty stealth and don't care much about lgbt+ rights. I try to be supportive too but I feel like this group is often secretly transphobic etc.

bubbleteaguitarist · 2023-09-23T09:53:57+00:00

I think it just might be that he doesn't want to be in COMMUNITY. He just wants to live his life, like straight people do, without talking about that all the time, without going to pride, without "screaming" about his identity all the time. I can understand that, because sometimes I feel the same, especially when some people from LGBT community are doing weird things and I feel embarrassed.

Krigshjalte · 2023-09-23T10:02:29+00:00

I used to be that way, for me it was internalized homophobia, I knew what I was but I didn't want to be associated with other people like me. I learned later that it was self hatred, but it takes time to learn. I'm sure your friend will too.

a_llegedly · 2023-09-23T10:04:02+00:00

Leopards would never eat MY face

Odisher7 · 2023-09-23T10:28:13+00:00

I guess he thinks of the LGBT community more as the people that fly flags and go to parades and stuff. So even if he is gay, he doesn't participate in the culture, that's why he doesn't feel part of the community. It's probably a different understanding of the word "community"

Awkward_Un1corn · 2023-09-23T11:00:55+00:00

I went to university with someone like this. They aren't transphobic (they are non-binary themselves) but they have issues with how the LGBT community is presented and they feel like they no longer identify with that presentation (it is the age old kink at Pride debate). Some people just don't want to be part of a community purely based on their sexuality.

Codics · 2023-09-23T11:14:50+00:00

He probably feels like it's better to just keep quiet about his orientation and hope nobody finds out, because "he doesn't want it to be his entire personality". I respect that, it's just not what the queer community is actually about

Ok_Habit_6783 · 2023-09-23T12:12:24+00:00

Gotta have more context op

AlbinoLokier · 2023-09-23T12:49:53+00:00

I mean, as an asexual-agender-bisexual person I tend not to really get involved in the LGBT community as some of the community are arseholes and believe I'm not valid because I'm 'identity passing', and don't face discrimination, which is ironic the second it comes out of their gobs, imo.

I support the community, obviously. And when asked I defend the community. But I don't go out of my way to interact with the community, some of the people attached to it are arseholes.

draoniaskies · 2023-09-23T12:50:25+00:00

It's internalized homophobia all the way. Textbook. "I'm gay but I'm not that kind of gay" suggests that there's something shameful or wrong about identifying as part of the community. He can identify all he wants, but it doesn't mean the reasons are good.

Softy182 · 2023-09-23T13:41:20+00:00

I'm on the similar boat. Even tho I fit LGBT, I don't associate with it and I don't feel as a part of it.

I have two reasons for it: 1) LGBT as a movement did quite a few questionable things, especially in my country. That makes me feel they did more bad than good to my case. And made me feel more alienated for who I'm. 2) It's because my experience with people from LGBT oriented subreddits. I met too many toxic people that were gatekeeping how you can be a bi or trans person. And overall I was met with a lot of hate from those subreddits.

So I think it's pretty normal behavior, especially if they had similar experience.

NorthernBlackBear · 2023-09-23T13:49:47+00:00

Not sure I understand. Gay is in LGBT. There is no membership card for a community that doesn't really exist. I don't feel apart of the "community" as I am not active in any orgs. I will go to pride with my GF. My GF even doesn't consider herself gay. I don't care as long as she is with me.

It could be they are not out or embarrassed to be associated with other LGBT folks. Some are because of the current political climate. There is more to the story I am sure.

sweetbrotatopie · 2023-09-23T15:14:49+00:00

Sounds like one of those "lgb drop the t" people who are trying to appeal to conservatives by throwing everyone else in the community under the bus by claiming they're not like the other queers.

Craser_Mya · 2023-09-23T15:21:03+00:00

Yeah, i am that way too.

Qurva-7 · 2023-09-23T15:53:13+00:00

I think of it like being born in a family. You bear the surname but you don't want yo be associated with those who has tge same surname. Probably your friend experienced something bad within the alphabet community that painted a very bad light to it to the point he doesn't want to be associated with the community. If you're really curious why not ask your friend why he doesn't want to be associated with the LGBTQ community in a non intrusive way. Probably you'll get some light onto it.

authortheorose · 2023-09-23T16:00:33+00:00

There's only two options: He doesn't like being an active part of the community - which is fair because introverts exist. Or he's a conservative (republican/right-winger).

pineapplenotcabbage · 2023-09-23T16:33:27+00:00

I'm bi/pan and have been trying to stay away from the community as much as possible until fairly recently.

Not because of homophobia or political views, as some of the comments here suggest, but because I don't want my sexuality to be all that there is to me. Now, I know that that's not what the community is all about, however the vocal minority sure made it sound like it for the past few years of my life.

On top of that, my first experience with the community was not the best, because when I tried joining LGBT+ group in uni, I was immediately judged based on my appearance and, ultimately, discarded whilst my ex, who used polyamory as an excuse to cheat, was welcome with open arms.

Those two experiences combined made me dislike the community side of things. Even then, dislike is a strong word - I just knew it wasn't for me, and although I knew it was the support network and safe haven of acceptance for a lot of people, I wouldn't quite fit in. Tbh, I still find introducing myself with my sexuality & gender identity a bit awkward, but I think that's more my desire to prove I actually belong after being unwelcome before.

thejoesterrr · 2023-09-23T16:45:45+00:00

Maybe he means he’s not a big part of lgbt culture

ElloBlu420 · 2023-09-23T17:08:44+00:00

I can understand being something but having issues with prominent people, or groups of people, in the larger community of those who identify the same way. Parts of my local polyamorous and autistic communities have made me think this way, and I'm keeping my distance from the former community for now, even though I definitely still self-identify as polyamorous.

Honestly, even within my LGBT+ identities, I tend to prefer to interact more with subgroups more specifically aligned with my particular identities. Maybe it's that my identity always seems to be a minority within a minority, and the voices of those identified slightly differently are so much louder and quicker to paint their experiences, views, and feelings as everyone's within the group, that I just get uncomfortable knowing I'm going to take a verbal beating for being different, and I stay quiet and back away. Unfortunately, sometimes, this is the best case scenario.

I really, really hope this is what he is feeling, and not something worse or -phobic.

MisterUncanny · 2023-09-23T17:29:01+00:00

My mom is similar. Lots of bi-phobia was around when she was part of the community. Especially in relationships that'd normally be seen as straight. She no longer identifies with the community because of that, but is still bisexual. (There's other factors, too, but I think this was one of the main reasons)

CaptainLou04 · 2023-09-23T17:29:44+00:00

Oh, here in Germany we have got a far right politician who's in a lesbian relationship and recently said, that she's not queer, she's only in a relationship with a woman, she had known for 20 years. Yeah, right...

They are forming their world around their political interests, and not (as it should be) the other way around...

NoLabelsCultSeries · 2023-09-23T18:08:44+00:00

As a person who doesn’t believe in labels, live your life !

stray_r · 2023-09-23T19:05:15+00:00

I spent the decade after I turned 18 in a big city. What I saw and understood to be the gay scene was was the very visible gig clubs that played cheesy pop and you had to absolutely look and dress a certain way to be accepted, and full of people who didn't ask before they touched. I didn't like it. And I thought this was "the community".

I was part of a close-knit clique around several rock nights that ran in a series of basement clubs and some larper/tabletop scenes. It had a significant overrepresentation of bi and genderqueer people and was pretty wholesome despite the general toxic shittyness of the wider scene.

And I started spending a lot of time on reddit in my 30s, I'm quite fond of some of the queer subs here, and some of the users can be pretty awesome. Conversely there's some queer subs I really don't like.

Is any one of these "the community"? No. Is any one of these representative of the entirety of the LGBTQIA+ population? Probably not.

For a long time I would have said that I didn't feel a part of the The Community, because I didn't understand what it was, it's not a single monolithic organisation and some of the most immediately visible parts of it weren't for me. But if there's a horde of queer biker musicians out there, pont me at them?

Am I part of a community? A few and my life is so much better for their existence.

Yeah, it can be a political statement, but equally it can mean "i'm not on grindr" or "I don't have enough queer friends". It can be real lonely out there.

Simple-Mission-3075 · 2023-09-23T19:26:36+00:00

…does he know what the G means?

invaderzrim · 2023-09-24T00:27:49+00:00

He's transphobic. Thats almost always the reason cis gay men say that shit. Like trans people and lesbians didn't get your rights to where they are today. So fucked in my opinion.

virgilthetinyauthor · 2023-09-24T00:36:39+00:00

I've seen a lot of people like that and it really depends on the person.

Some people like this tend to be the "one of the good ones" type where they actively spread hateful rhetoric about other groups in the community (for example: transgender people) and don't want to be in the community because they feel like whatever part of the community they don't like is ruining it and would make them look bad.

The others just don't identify with the community or the movement. Like they feel that PERSONALLY, they are not oppressed, so PERSONALLY, they don't need the movement. Which is fine (because a lot of LGBTQ people grew up with nothing but acceptance), as long as they acknowledge the struggles of other LGBTQ people, but a lot of these types of people don't and believe that LGBTQ people aren't oppressed and don't need to fight for any rights. At least in my experience, I'm sure there are others that just don't identify with the community for their own reason.

alfa-dragon · 2023-09-24T02:21:52+00:00

Sounds like we have some internalized homophobia boys

Be7th · 2023-09-23T06:52:06+00:00

Would probably just like to be seen as normal, not part of the scene, and not interested in the politics for better or for worse. I can't blame the person, simply wanting to enjoy life on their own terms.

I myself am gay of French Canadian living in British Columbia, but have no interest whatsoever in the French Canadian affairs. I don't identify as Quebecer, neither in language nor in culture, even if my accent makes some ears prop up. I have left the place and the identity back at my parent's house and that is that. French is just a language I speak fluently, not how I define myself. And he likes to play with guys fluently, not how he defines himself.

To be honest I think it's important that we respect that. Not everyone is to raise the flag for all who needs it, and that is part of who we are as a broader community.

Hell, I know some people who are straight and identifies with the LGBT community with a fierce eye for they who dare to cross us. Similarly, I am not trans but I have the trans question deep at heart and have used what was in my power to make systemic changes where I could to improve the lives of people that I might never know.

Maybe he has other matters that matter more for him. Maybe he cares for housing. Or maybe not. It honestly doesn't matter.

It is only natural that some just want to live as they please. We ought to fight for them, and for that, too.

gonna_be_engineer · 2023-09-23T07:17:30+00:00

It depends in some circles progressive groups like lgbt and environmentalists can be super judgemental and narrowminded.

We’re all human after all.

With proper context this could be just disassociating with a certain Lokal aspect of LGBT.

But still kinda wack

sunandstars21490 · 2023-09-23T09:12:13+00:00

From not being able to have been part of an LGBTQIA+ community in IRL, until now (came out in late teens, and am now 32).

I have never felt more at home, and support LGBTQIA+, I've never known anyone in my online and offline years of personally seeing bad experiences in the community.

But I'm not naive, I know there's some ruffled feathers between some inner groups, and that's really sad considering all the s*** that is already thrown at us and the Trans members being the current huge target for TERFs.

Honestly your friend has every right to be or not be in any community, they have to feel what's right for them, whether it be at a local community, or on the larger scale world wide. I won't say I understand the reasonings as none have been given, as for me the community stands for loving yourself, being yourself and proud, educating others to know we exist and that's just as a "norm" compared to how most of us are brought up in a cis-het environment, and fighting for the same rights as cis-hets have. I'm never gonna be against that.

I wish your friend all the best, regardless whether he connects with that, or not.

Peace xxx

leafshaker · 2023-09-23T12:27:58+00:00

Yes that's cognitive dissonance, likely politically rooted.

One can't be gay without being part of the lgbt umbrella.

I don't need to like Irish things, or associate with Irish people, but my genes are Irish. I can't say I'm not Irish-American.

2023-09-23T05:50:22+00:00

Most people do it when they're into fascism saying that LGBTQ+ is an ideology and the rest of that crap.

LGBTQ+ is a label used for sexual minorities. There can be a community that it's made for this minority or some pride or other stuff but it's not some international political party.

From my garden. In my country, these are almost always people who're right-wingers and still are gay or lesbian trying to cope with why right-wing parties wanna penalize us just because lgbt is this EVIL IDEOLOGY (our lovely president said that and we teach that in schools).
One thing more! A lot of people who use that line of thinking are TERFs or anti-trans people too.

Palanki96 · 2023-09-23T08:48:24+00:00

He probably met with toxic part of the "community" that constantly infights and gatekeeps

Delta4o · 2023-09-23T10:05:09+00:00

I'm trans and pan/demi, but I don't consider myself part of the local lgbt community for the following reasons:

The trans group is for people who are their own stereotypes and make being trans their whole identity. Most of them don't fit in with society and have many unresolved personal issues. The ones who pass very well and don't experience any negatives are the ones that don't last long and stop coming after 2-3 times.

it doesn't matter which age group, but the gay guys are the horniest men I've ever seen. Half of them are always looking for a boyfriend half of their age (minimum 18) or twice their age. The ones that don't feel disgusted and don't want to be associated with that.

There is a group for NBs and others who don't feel comfortable at the trans group. They had to shit it down because there ALWAYS were heated arguments, gatekeeping, and label policing about what label did or didn't mean for someone.

There is no group for women who love women.

Other than that, there are specific groups for refugees, people with a mental handicap, migrant background, and some other things that are not meant for me.

I went to this community center for 3 years and recently decided to go back after 7 years. The same feelings and emotions of deciding to stop going came rushing back within 10 minutes. I just have zero reason or interest to get to know anyone there.

I'm not denying how much it helped me, but I moved on with my life. Most women who love women that I dated have never heard or been to the community center.

Avarria587 · 2023-09-23T10:29:43+00:00

I've met people like this. Almost invariably, they're conservatives and are glad to throw some of us under the bus for their economic gain and/or they just hate certain groups of people.

acgrey92 · 2023-09-23T12:32:32+00:00

What a lovely way for that person to say “I am gay but I don’t support other gays”.

AvocadoPizzaCat · 2023-09-23T03:42:35+00:00

odds are he is a phobic gay or he sees him being gay as what makes him special and no one else can be like that (some people are like this). there is also the possibility that he is not social and is scared of rejection from others. but that is rare.

suggestanames · 2023-09-23T03:42:54+00:00

Gay and homophobic

imstraight__maybe · 2023-09-23T05:50:15+00:00

Oh that just means he is a Republican. Probably transphobic too.

SilverGecko23 · 2023-09-23T04:04:51+00:00

He's a traitor, let him stand on his own when the mad dogs come for him.

sfPanzer · 2023-09-23T07:00:57+00:00

yeah that's just someone who got influenced too much by right-wing media and thinks the lgbt community is about something it really isn't.

Either that or they are one of those who don't like the T in the name since they're nothing more than miserable transphobes ready to throw their brothers, sisters and other siblings (sorry enbys didn't know what else to put there lol) under the boss.

ArandomDudeWhoIsCool · 2023-09-23T06:46:49+00:00

that seems odd to me but then again I'm as about in-your-face gay as you can get. I don't really know what to think, but I'm very in favour of lgbtq+ having a community and learning their history etc so out of context it sort of rubs me the wrong way.

TheMaskedCivilian · 2023-09-23T07:23:41+00:00

Wonder if he’s the same guy I knew. Most homophobic gay dude I ever met

MyBeanYT · 2023-09-23T08:42:03+00:00

“I’m human, I just don’t identify as a mammal.”

Tbh people definitely say that..

MorbusMortis · 2023-09-23T09:26:26+00:00

My partner is like this. He just finds pride stuff irritating, which is why he just doesn't care. Not caring or identifying as something doesn't mean there are any negative implications in not caring.

FTL9inTop · 2023-09-23T11:22:50+00:00

What’s gay for “Uncle Tom?”

JasperTheHuman · 2023-09-23T16:52:25+00:00

Guess we'll see him on r/leopardsatemyface one day

WannaBe_TrynnaBe · 2023-09-23T04:52:03+00:00

I was like him and i think i can tell you my initial meaning and way I explained it.

When someone doesn’t want to associate with a group they “should” belong to it’s usually a hatred beyond the person towards the group. I don’t want to say they have to be transphobic, homophobic, etc., they just don’t wanna be involved with the drama the group is surrounded with. Usually in media where people take the most controversial things to argument with. Since the person doesn’t need to be familiar with actual situations there they can have just a vision they think it’s right.

For example I was really “conservative” about lgbt rights since my parents were somewhat against protesting in general. So I didn’t think about prides for example as some festival but more like a demonstration instead. WE HAVE TO BE HEARD! WE HAVE TO BE RIGHT!

Also it was kinda about internal homophobia. For four years I was forcing myself to be somewhat normal and cannot accept to be purely homosexual. And therefore I vented my hatred towards people that was happy with themselves. I wasn’t happy with myself. But also I didn’t understand what they were fighting about etc…

I remember one time I sweared to myself to never be a member when one fan group was gay changed famous quote to show like “bi, trans” wtc. Dont remember the exact phrase but I commented something like “I don’t think that’s necessary since it’s just rainbow washing”. I was polite and all but people ate me like a meat. How dare I can be homophobic, I don’t understand the real struggle and I don’t have an opinion since I’m not gay. I was thinking I was bi/poly at the time but I didn’t mention it since I though it wasn’t important.

People like this may be just uneducated or unfamiliar with them. I really hate the word uneducated since it sounds like we have to know everything but it’s the best way I can describe it. I met people that thought that knowing everything about lgbt was the main thing you as a lgbt member should know but didn’t provide you anything from sources to their own experience. Just were mad. And it makes more and more hatred.

Because all of this I made myself really listening both sides of the opinion gap and providing sources and opinions to be as objective as possible. I don’t show any hate towards anyone even though I do disagree with.

akamu8 · 2023-09-23T06:28:02+00:00

I have a feeling that most of the gay and bi sexual guys out there are closeted and or partially closeted. Not everyone wants to be in the spotlight. I myself never have and that’s largely why I’m more of an ally than someone who truly wants to be part of the community. I’m not homophobic or whatever phobia label you wanna try and slap on me. I am a democrat and have been. Also, I advocate for LGBTQ rights, but I do it privately and not publicly. I did go to my first pride, but I watch from the crowd. Call me whatever you want, but you shouldn’t attack people like us because we probably actually outnumber you all. And you need us at your side, especially given all chaos going on in the world. We’ll always be here in the background mostly secretly supporting LGBTQ+ and especially their rights. How? By voting and not telling anybody else about it. Or by standing up for someone when we see something wrong like bullying or discrimination or whatever. So please stop talking about this guy in that way because he probably doesn’t want to get into with you.

emily12587 · 2023-09-23T13:56:06+00:00

Internalized homophobia , used to have that myself coming forms religious family and having mainly conservative or libertarian friends

Zealousideal_Talk479 · 2023-09-23T05:45:41+00:00

That’s… absolute bullshit. If someone is gay, they are by definition part of the LGBTQ+ community whether they like it or not.

MishaIsPan · 2023-09-23T06:09:04+00:00

If he's gay but saying he's not part of the LGBTQ+ community and does not want to be associated with it, I'd think he's transphobic, perhaps also biphobic and aphobic. He probably also votes republican. One of those people who thinks all goals have been achieved when his goals were achieved.

Leo_In_The_Woods · 2023-09-23T07:29:02+00:00

"Oh yeah, I'm an anchovy I just don't identify as a fish..."

Entire_Sir2721 · 2023-09-23T08:36:31+00:00

Potentially those type of pick-me gays

Postroyalty · 2023-09-23T10:11:59+00:00

I’m bi and have the same take.

I also believe in equal rights but don’t associate with feminism. It’s just individualist mentality.

I live in an accepting and equal country so it’s never a problem no matter where I go. There is nothing to fight for, the war is won here. So “lgbt community” has no purpose for me.

I don’t normally visit this subreddit either just saw the title on frontpage and my two cents seemed relevant

daringluminary · 2023-09-23T10:39:56+00:00

Your friend is making a "survivor's mistake."

I have nothing more to say. I would distance myself from such a person until it was too late and their internal homophobia turned into external homophobia and dragged transphobia and everything else down with it. I don't want to get attached to people like that and have them break my mood and possibly my life.

Why so? Because this type of persons will actively write denunciations under possible fascist regime. And you will be the first to be targeted. Because you're queer. And he knows you. But he is somehow "not queer".

-MoonlightGreatsword · 2023-09-23T11:18:36+00:00

I honestly sometimes don’t really want to be seen as an LGBT member. I just think that some of the pride parades and protests are the reason fir me. There are a lot of weird gay people there that make us seem like freaks. They just do so much extreme shit during those that non LGBT people start developing hatred towards it.

Famous-Potential6145 · 2023-09-23T07:32:48+00:00

same boat as him, im gay but dont associate myself with LGBTQ, my PERSONAL reason is i view it as a community which you can join not as a thing which you are automatically part of just because your gay, trans, bisexual etc

wobblebee · 2023-09-23T05:40:20+00:00

Red flag: class traitor

2023-09-23T09:00:24+00:00

[removed]

ricodo12 · 2023-09-23T20:52:23+00:00

The leader of the right party in Germany is a lesbian and she recently said "I'm not queer, I'm just married to the woman I've known for 20 years"

lgbt

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