How To Stop Back Talk

You would think that maybe, on my fourth child, I wouldn't find myself in this spot. I would be able to sidestep it and cruise along, riding on my years of experience to avoid one of the most frustrating moments of parenting.

The sass. 

The backtalk. 

The battles.

The moments when your child decides what you say is more like a guideline than an instruction. Your child tells you why you are wrong or why she is going to do what she wants anyway, or how she is "just" going to do this one thing before listening to you. You could avoid the moment she will throw a major fit when you pick out her outfit for the day.

What my years of parenting experience did do for me was immediately tell me why my little cutie suddenly believed she knew best and got to set the rules. 

She had too many freedoms. She had grown wise in  her own eyes and was sure she had as much wisdom and authority as I did. She needed fewer freedoms.

How To Fix It

Identifying the issue is easy when you know what to work for. Now for the solution. Fortunately, the solution is also easy if you have the will to stick things through. 

I started with pulling back all of her decision making freedoms. 

All of them.

I know it sounds extreme and harsh, but it was necessary to get her back on track. She no longer got to choose anything she wore. She didn't get to choose her cup. She didn't get to choose whether or not she wore a coat.

Now, obviously as a four year old, it is not age-appropriate to have zero say in your decisions. This didn't last long. I took all decisions away for a few days as a way to detox her from the power-hungry-ness within her. She needed to recognize that her parents are in charge, not her. 

After a few days, I started allowing her some small freedoms. I added them in slowly. Several months later, she does not have the same number of freedoms as she had before I took full control back. She lost those freedoms because she couldn't handle having them all--they made her "too big for her britches." It wouldn't make sense to reinstate them all.

How To Avoid It Again

Getting to a point of your child having too many freedoms can be really easy to do. We don't always know exactly what is right for a two year old. In an effort to foster independence and responsibility, we might allow more freedom than is wise. We can easily let our younger children have more freedom than is age appropriate as we sometimes let there be one standard for all of the children in the family, whereas each child should have individual freedoms. 

• Be aware of "too many freedoms." Know that it is possible to have to many and be on the lookout for symptoms of the issue.
• Test freedoms out. Even if my child typically gets to pick her own clothes out each day, I will at times just decide what she is wearing one day to test out the reaction. If she accepts it with out a fuss, her level of freedoms are good. If she throws a fit, she needs her freedoms scaled back.
• Don't be lazy. Guess what, your four year old will be upset that she doesn't get to do everything the eight year old gets to do. You will hear, "That's not fair" and "Whey does she get to!" It is easier on a lot of levels to let the child just have her way and have everything even among the children. Don't do it! Keep things age and child-appropriate. I know it is harder! Do it anyway.

Conclusion

No matter how many children you have, whether you are on your oldest or your youngest, you will need to make adjustments. You will make mistakes. You will not be perfect. Odds are high you will face the "too many freedoms" issue. You can fix it, though! Watch for the signs and follow the steps and you will have your sweet child back in no time. 

Related Posts:

• Freedoms
• The Choice Addiction (for Toddlers) 
• Constantly Needing to Correct the Child
• Too Many Freedoms
• When Kids Push The Limits (Dos and Don'ts)
• Wise In Your Own Eyes

 

Too Many Freedoms

Last week, I discussed being wise in your own eyes (see Wise In Your Own Eyes). This week I will discuss how having too many freedoms leads to this.

Decision Making Freedoms (On Becoming Preschoolwise pages 72-75--affiliate link)

You want to avoid giving your child too many decision making freedoms. Yes, you want him to learn how to make decisions wisely, but you shouldn't just give him freedom to make all of his decisions in life. This doesn't mean you don't allow any choices for your child. This means you don't give your child freedom to make decisions he is "not developmentally, intellectually, or emotionally able to handle" (page 74).

Preschoolwise points out that making decisions all day wears on an adult. You have to decide what to wear, what to eat, how to handle a myriad of decisions. Think of how this affects you. Now imagine how it can affect your child. It can be quite draining. The stress your child can feel from this can spill over into his attitude. I have discussed decision making freedoms and the effects in Wise In Your Own Eye and The Choice Addiction (for Toddlers) .

You might be wondering just how you allow decision making to your child? How do you go about it well? You want to give your child the opportunity to learn how to make decisions and deal with the consequences. With a young child, start by offering simple decisions. Offer two choices, both of which are acceptable. I often use the example of clothes. "Would you like to wear your white shirt or your blue shirt today?" You then require your child to wear the shirt he chose for the day. Be sure they experience consequences for their choices. They need to learn while the stakes are low.

In the eternal perspective, it doesn't matter if he wears the blue shirt or white shirt. But if he chooses blue, he should wear blue. If half-way through the day he decides he really wanted white, tell him he can choose white a different day. You might think there is no harm in changing his shirt. Changing a shirt is not harmful. Not learning to accept consequences for decisions is harmful.

Verbal Freedoms (pages 75-78)

A verbal freedom is something your child is allowed to say. Your child should ask your permission. He should be informing you of what he is going to do; he should be asking you if he can do something.

Verbal freedoms are more than what your child says. "It is also a problem of tone" (page 77). Is he bossy? Rude? Does he insist on the last word? Is he demanding? Does he often tell you no? Your child is not your peer. He is your child.

When you give your child an instruction, require a "Yes Mommy." You can also say, "You don't have the freedom to say XYZ; you only have the freedom to say yes mommy." See posts linked below for more on these two topics.

Physical Freedoms (pages 75-78)

A physical freedom is what your child physically does. It is related to verbal freedoms. Your child should not be allowed to come and go as he pleases. "It is not just the wandering off that is our concern, but the child's confirmed sense of independence from parental guidance at such a tender age" (page 76).

Preschoolwise points out that there is nothing wrong with your child wanting to go somewhere. He might want to go outside to play or he may want to go play at the neighbor's house. There also isn't a problem with the parent allowing the child to do so. The decision, however, should be up to the parent, not the child.

To avoid your child from taking too many physical freedoms, require him to ask your permission before he goes somewhere. "Mom, may I go outside" rather than "Mom, I am going outside." If he asks and you say no, you must make sure that if/when a tantrum follows, you don't give in and allow him to go.

In Action

The last time I read through Preschoolwise, I was very happy to read the part about asking permission. Brayden was approaching the age of four and still asked my permission to so much as leave the room he was in. I thought it was so strange that he asked me for permission.

After I read this section, I realized it was a good sign. As I write this post, Brayden is four years and two months old. Our days are very predictable. We do the same things bascially in the same order each day. Even so, he asks my permission to do the special things he likes to do. When it is TV time, he asks if he can watch a show. When it is outside time, he asks if he can go outside. It would be easy and understandable if he assumed he knew what was next and that it was okay for him to do it. But he still asks. This isn't expecting too much. Give your child the gift of parental guidance and teach him the skill of respecting those in authority. These things will make life a much smoother ride for him.

Related Posts/Blog Labels

• Wise In Your Own Eyes
• How to Stop Back Talk
• The Choice Addiction (for Toddlers)
• BW II: Freedoms
• Boundaries (Toddlerwise) 
• Boundaries: Part II (Toddlerwise) 
• funnel (blog label)
• freedoms (blog label)
• yes mom (blog label)
• discipline phrases (blog label)

Wise In Your Own Eyes

"It is our firm conviction, based on our observations, that more conflicts arise out of this wise in your own eyes attitude than any other single factor in parenting" (Preschoolwise page 72). A child who is wise in his own eyes is a child who has been granted too many freedoms. They "go places they should not go and say things they should not say" (Preschoolwise page 67). This is the reason you want to avoid the choice addiction (see The Choice Addiction (for Toddlers)).

In On Becoming Preschoolwise, they use the example of a child refusing a certain color of cup. Mom sees that as not a big deal and changes the cup. There are several other choices that the child insisting upon having control over. By lunch time, the child informs mom that he doesn't want lunch just then. He will eat later. He is busy.

Allowing your child to have a blue cup instead of the red cup you offered him is not necessarily a problem, but it can lead to a problem. Of course we all want our children to grow toward independence; we don't want to make every choice in our child's life forever (well, maybe we would like to, but we know that isn't healthy ;) ).

Ezzo and Bucknam point out that your child is unable to discriminate between amoral choices (choosing which color of cup to have) and moral choices (choosing whether or not to obey instruction). "From his perspective, saying no to Mom's instructions is no different than saying no to her selection of juice" (page 67). Saying no to something innocent like what color of cup to drink from is no different to him than saying no to naptime. If he is wise enough for one decision, he is wise enough for the other. When you grant freedoms too early and allow your child to make his own choices all day long, he will soon "assume a false sense of confidence in their own abilities and judgements" (page 71).

This is the reason you always want to watch the choices you allow. You don't want your child to get to the point of thinking he can tell you no when you give him an instruction.

My personal policy is too allow choices, but I often test Brayden's submission to me. For example, as he has gotten older, I have allowed him to have more say over what he wears each day. At first, I gave him a choice between two shirts that I would be happy with. It taught him about making choices and sticking with the choice made (experiencing the "consequence"). As he has gotten older, I have given him more freedom. Some days I let him pick any short-sleeved shirt from his closet. Some days he can choose the shorts he wears. I don't yet allow him to choose the entire outfit.

I don't, however, give him this privilege every day of the week. I know that there are days I want to reserve the right to choose the entire outfit (church, pictures, family reunions, etc.). Several days of the week, I choose the entire outfit. I watch his reaction to me choosing and make sure he has not become addicted to making choices. Brayden has no issue with this.

When Brayden was younger, there was a day when he protested the outfit I chose for him. I knew that day that he had too many freedoms overall and I limited them.

I believe the oldest child has a greater risk for being wise in his own eyes. We often give our oldest child freedoms sooner than he is really ready for them simply because we don't have the experience to guide us on what he needs and what he doesn't. We are eager for this little child to show his maturity. We anxiously await every new step. We also ask the oldest child to help with younger siblings and expect them to be a good example. It doesn't help that younger children often obey the oldest child without question (at least in the younger years).

One day as I was nursing McKenna in her room, Brayden and Kaitlyn came to the bathroom (right next to McKenna's room). Brayden got a book for Kaitlyn and pointed to a spot in the hall and told her to sit there and read the book while he went to the bathroom. She did it! I was shocked, amused, and dismayed all at the same time. That is a situation that is really funny, but you know that you need to have a talk with the oldest child on his role in the family.

With subsequent children, we typically have a better idea of the appropriate timeline for privileges. For example, I believe I allowed Brayden the choice of shirts at Kaitlyn's current age (27 months). I have never given her the choice yet.

We can run into problems when we allow the younger children the same privilege as the older sibling. It can be easier to allow it than to fight the younger child who wants to be just like older brother.

Take note of the why as to the reason we limit choices. It isn't to suppress our children. It is to require a moral maturity from them before they can be granted freedoms. If you find your child of any age resistant to your instruction, the first step is to always evaluate the child's freedoms. Get them back in line with age appropriateness and you will have more harmony at home.

RELATED POSTS/BLOG LABELS:

• BW II: Freedoms: http://babywisemom.blogspot.com/2008/01/babywise-ii-freedoms.html
• The Choice Addiction (for Toddlers) : http://babywisemom.blogspot.com/2008/03/choice-addiction-for-toddlers.html
• Problem Solving Using Beliefs, Goals, Why, and How : http://babywisemom.blogspot.com/2008/06/problem-solving-using-beliefs-goals-why.html
• Boundaries (Toddlerwise) : http://babywisemom.blogspot.com/2009/01/boundaries-toddlerwise.html
• Boundaries: Part II (Toddlerwise) : http://babywisemom.blogspot.com/2009/01/boundaries-part-ii-toddlerwise.html
• preschoolwise (blog label)
• funnel (blog label)
• freedoms (blog label)
• discipline (blog label)
• why vs. how (blog label)